The Know-It-All: Can Other People Comment On My Hair?

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my hair. With a black dad and white mom, I’ve never found any knowledge inside my household. My father keeps his hair in a very very short buzz, and my mother has very fine blonde hair. So when my parents saw my waved curly hair, they didn’t know how to handle it. To make matters worse, I’m blessed with two different hair types: very frizzy fine hair in the front, and thick curly locks everywhere else.

I’ve tried the curly girl method, routines from across the internet, and miracle products sworn on by celebrities. Nothing has ever, ever, ever worked. Cue the tears.

I honestly thought no one really cared or even noticed. I’m well aware that the beauty standards for boys are down in the basement compared to the sky-high levels girls must meet. Plus no one had even hinted at my hair looking… not so good.

So the other day when I ever so kindly visited my friends at work, imagine my shock when the bullets started flying. I had just joked about my friend dying her hair red when the others started talking about their hair. One at a time, a throwback to kindergarten show and tell, they regaled me in tales of how happy their hairdressers were to see them, and even happier to see their healthy luscious locks.

And like sleight of hand, all at once, my four friends started advising me on how to fix my hair and make it as perfect as theirs. While it may have been cordial at first, after a few minutes of kicking me while I was down, they decided to deliver the final blow.

It is certainly one thing for your white friends to attempt to give you advice on how to heal and hydrate your mixed-race hair, but it is completely another thing when they compare you to someone else’s mixed-race hair.

You see, another coworker/friend of ours also has mixed-race hair, the reverse combination of mine. And while her shoulder-length hair is always neat and shiny, slicked back into a curly bun, mine sits atop my head like a bird decided it needed a nest.

I talked to her about it a few days later, and of course, she took my side. Takes one to know one, and these ones know that hair isn’t something you can just talk about willy-nilly. It got me thinking, when talking about beauty, where is the boundary drawn?

I will admit that I have discussed someone’s looks before. Not necessarily in a negative connotation, but I have taken notice of adjustments in appearance, for the better or worse. Do I tell these people? Never, because the last thing one needs after contemplating a new piercing for weeks is for someone to point blank and tell them it just doesn’t work for them.

If we lived in a perfect world, the only opinion that would matter is one’s own, and it wouldn’t matter what someone else thought of your new bangs. But we don’t live in a perfect world, and beauty is one of the key currencies that run the world. If you have enough of it, you can get into some very difficult places, but if you don’t have enough, you might get locked out of said difficult places.

So when living in this flawed world full of conflicting opinions, when should you keep to yourself? First, is when you can’t help someone. When my friends pointed out how my hair was imitating a tumbleweed, they offered no useful insight into fixing this issue. Next is if it is a known insecurity. I hate, hate, hate how I look with facial hair, especially since it doesn’t grow long enough to fully cover any section of my face, but rather looks like a farmer sporadically planted crops. But I hate shaving even more because my coarse curly facial hair takes 30 minutes to shave. Nonetheless, asking me when I plan on shaving next doesn’t make me feel any better about it!

Now when should you comment on someone else’s appearance? You should offer support when someone close to you is considering a full aesthetic shift. For example, I had a friend who was considering bleaching her eyebrows and getting four facial piercings: one in each eyebrow, a lip piercing, and a septum piercing. After delving into why she wanted to do this, I helped her realize that trying to impress a guy in her choir class probably wasn’t worth it. Self-expression is important, but you shouldn’t change anything about yourself for a guy.

My hair was in fact no reason to point this out, and looking back I still am a little upset that things were said. I did quickly run over to Ulta and Sephora however, and luckily my curls are looking quite moisturized. Still, take this as a lesson to think before you say something, especially if it isn’t any of your business.